Death Of A Former Self

This poem is about my experience with psychedelics, but I also hope it can resonate with anyone navigating changes in themselves and in their lives, those who struggle with self-doubt, and more.

As a passion project without any budget, this has taken about three and a half years, and to be honest I feel like old me and new me have integrated in that time. And then recently not psychedelics, but Love, sparked a new death and rebirth again. This piece speaks to a conflict between intuition and intellectualism that still resonates with me, but most of all I see it as a documenting my fear of letting go and trusting myself.

I’m SO grateful that “old me” doesn’t have the control he used to have. I hope people see this video and also see that I (he) fought so HARD to not relinquish the driver’s seat, and it was his time.

After these initial intense experiences, I was afraid that the skeptic in me would be gone. That I'd move through the world trusting only my feelings and ignoring the darwinian wisdom of years of human history that have shaped the structures that govern our world. That voice is not gone today. I now exercise much better discernment over when to listen to it.

When I was first exposed to these substances, medicines, drugs, whatever we want to call them, I was surrounded by people who would take them in high doses quite frequently (every couple weeks) without appearing to have much respect for the intensity, significance, or sacredness of the experience. I observed a lack of integration that makes me sad to think about. I tend to be distrustful of those who approach psychedelics with that attitude. In some ways, this poem came through as a voice inside me yelling "integrate!" which is a beautiful reminder as well.

MAPS has lots of helpful information for approaching responsibly, which is important as there are risks: https://maps.org/

Most of all, hope you enjoy.

Giant thanks to Jonathan Guyader, and Elsa Secco for spearheading this with me, and to Entropico for getting it over the finish line.